Chrispian.com

I wrote myself into a corner. So I started a new book. This is the first chapter.

This one is going to be a little raw. I'm new to opening up about stuff that's deeply personal. I'm going to do my best to tell you what it's like to live with my personal mix of ADHD features, Aphantasia, and RSD. I've put in a lot of work over the course of my life and I still struggle.

TRIGGER WARNING: Trauma, ADHD, Spirals, RSD, Emotionally Charged

DISCLAIMER: This is not medical advice. This is just my personal experience with ADHD and some related cognitive traits. There are links at the end if you want to learn more about the science and psychology of all this.

Recently, I had a video call with some friends and a pretty typical ADHD scenario popped up - I got really excited and was interrupting, I was "lightly" criticized (If you can even call it that) and my RSD (details below) kicked off but all the work I've been doing let me recalibrate quickly and not spiral. As part of that work I decided to drop my mask. I'm no longer trying to hide my ADHD because there's nothing wrong with me. I'm tired of having to hide. I started by sharing with those closest to me.

I quickly realized there's just too much. If someone wants to understand, I can't just explain one aspect of ADHD, they'll never see me that way. And I want to be seen for who I really am. And while I'm happy to talk about ADHD I do get tired of trying to explain all this, to explain myself to people, over and over. I wanted to share this so I would have something I could let people read, digest, and understand on their own time. And maybe, just maybe, it'll resonate with others and give voice to what they are feeling and let them know they don't need permission to exist.

I'm all about context, so let me give you some to help, this is gonna be a lot to unpack. Everyone has ADHD symptoms and it's only really a problem if it starts to affect your life in ways you don't like. Mine started that way and got worse for the rest of my life. I was diagnosed when I was young and I doubted myself so much that I went and got rechecked as an adult. Twice

I'm also aware that ADHD has a stigma. That people think ADHD is not real. That people think I'm lazy or a slacker. I just need to try harder and I need more discipline and willpower. Just saying all that, it makes my jaw clench and I want to lash out. Not at you, but because this ugly description was given to me and the world made me eat it and make me believe this shit about myself.

That's why Agency is so important to me. Because this world took mine. And I know how cheesy this part sounds, believe me. But we both have that idea about ADHD because of how the world has brainwashed us through systemic failures. It happens all the time, ADHD is not special in this. But that doesn't invalidate my experience or make it any less real.

I know full well what I've been through and nobody can tell me otherwise. What's changed is I'm tired of hiding, I'm tired of pretending and I'm tired of letting this get in my way.

I'm not broken. I'm not an asshole. I'm not sad. I'm not a basket case. I'm not my ADHD. I'm not your problem.

I'm different and I'm not just ok with that, I love it. But it's not a free ride. What I want to show you is not for pity, I don't need it. I'm not looking for sympathy, there are bigger problems in the world. Please use your energy for that, I got this. I'm sharing this to get it outside of my body once and for all and give people a better idea of what living with this is like. ADHD effects me every moment of my life but it's usually pretty chill. It just peaks over my shoulder to see what I'm working on. It might nudge me to play video games or have a donut instead of an apple. It really likes dopamine. You'll hear a lot about dopamine in ADHD because people with it, our baseline is below normal. Sometimes, in people like me, it's in the basement with John Wick's guns and coins. But in this post, I'm focused on what it's like living with ADHD and less about the mechanisms that drive it.

I'm sharing this because someone else might be going through this and maybe they see themselves in this where they couldn't see themselves before. If this resonates deeply with you, just know it's real. You aren't imaging this. It's hard, it sucks. But knowing, it helps. I know it's helped me.

How I Think

Context is important to me and it's very important for you to understand what this is like. So here's my cognitive profile, something I discovered while working on an AI project to create an interface based on how I think. These are the key features of the way I think that interact with ADHD to give me great insights, creativity, and deep thinking. These are also the same features that make my ADHD more pronounced than others might experience. These features, and I refuse to call them disorders, are more like Operating systems. They come in flavors like Linux, Mac OS or Windows. I don't use Arch btw.

Systems-First Thinking: I naturally look for how things work under the hood:
- What are the relationships?
- Where are the inputs and constraints?
- Could I rebuild it from scratch if I had to?
Recursive Patterning: I learn through loops—not repetition, each pass refining my understanding:
- First pass: Get the shape
- Second pass: Test the logic
- Third pass: Reconstruct it from within
Framing and Reframing: I intentionally reframe until I have a better picture:
- What belief is this?
- Is this the right way to frame this?
- What happens if I zoom out—or in?
- I use this most when I get stuck.
Tool-as-Model Thinking: - I mentally build “functions” and strategies like modular code:
- Protocols instead of motivation
- Rules instead of willpower
- Systems instead of discipline
Skeptical Curiosity: I question everything—even my own conclusions:
- If it feels like a platitude I'm already checking out
- If doesn't hold up to scrutiny, it doesn’t belong in my system
*Cognitive Compression: One of my strengths is distilling:
- Complex input → clear model
- Emotional signal → named rule
- Raw insight → reusable structure
*Fractal Intuition: sense macro in the micro. A small moment often reveals the larger system it belongs to. This helps me:
- Build frameworks quickly
- Identify recurring ideas
- Synthesize across unrelated domains
Reflective Ownership I don’t flinch at accountability and I don’t collapse into guilt:
- “What part of this is mine?”
- “Was this a slide or a pattern?”
- “What would my boss (future me) think?”

Before we get into the major features that I struggle with, here are a few minor things that can interact with other things to start the cascade into self immolation. You can pick anything you want but you have to take pick 5 and 2 of them must be in the major category. Honestly, it might be easier to tell you what ADHD features I don't have.

Sensory Overload: For me, it's heat, sound and light. But I can get overstimulated if there's a lot going on, especially in new or stressful environments, like large crowds or noisy places with flashy lights. Add in some heat and I'm cooked.
Hyperfocus / Dissociation Loop: Getting “stuck” in deep thought. This means getting locked in my head, the whole outside world vanishing. The next thing I know it's hours or days later. I'm at especially high risk when I'm deeply interested in something.
Delayed Emotional Processing: I don't always know what I'm feeling in the moment. This can increase feelings of stress, take me out of a moment, contribute to things like RSD or spiraling, and keeps me from understanding what's happening and that leads to confusion, fear, shame, memory issues (brain fog) etc.
Narrative Identity Disruption: This has robbed me of seeing myself clearly. Something I didn't even know was missing. It's still hard, but now I have tools that help because I built one. I naturally think in terms of models. And that relies on structure, rituals, and reflection. I use a log system I designed around my thought fragments. And in doing so, I stumbled upon a solution that really helps me. It's the reason my posts are so focused lately, how I'm able to see my own patterns and create a high resolution mirror so that I can get a clear picture of my inner self. I have more to share on this topic, but that's for another time.

When I Interrupt People (and Spiral After)

I cut people off because I get excited and when my emotions are high, it's like the switch that helps you hold your excitement and not just jump to the end? That thing turns off. It just decides to take a break right when I need it most. Then, then the fun starts.I rate pretty high in meta awareness. That just means I'm aware that I'm thinking and I think about what I'm thinking. Which sounds weird, I know. Let me make it make sense for you.

Imagine— I blurt out during a video demo or meeting I'm giving and cut people off mid sentence. I'm very self aware, so I notice it and this sets off my nervous system. Then I notice it happening and I start thinking, why am I thinking about that? That's meta awareness. It's also recursive, so it turns in on itself and starts to spiral. If I'm lucky, something might knock me out of that and I'll get a chance to catch it real time and apologize (I feel like I have to, for just being myself) but most of the time the conversation moves too quickly and by the time it's over, I've forgotten.

Later, I won't even remember it. But it didn't just go away. That moment is looping in my brain still. That pull to understand? To figure out why I can't just be "normal"? What's wrong with me? Not a fucking thing. I'm just different. It's not ideal in sometimes but I'm not an asshole. I'm fully aware I don't know everything. Look at me, I love learning. I get excited to be wrong. Unless RSD kicks in making me feel stupid and beat myself up. More on that in a minute.

Update: I added the next to points to give a bit more detail what happens during these interruption moments.

I'm not fully aware of what's happening, even if I seem like it. This makes it hard to contain my excitement. My internal clock speed is going two different speeds. I can see the patterns of the "type" of conversation we are having (rhetorical debate, straw-man argument, etc) but I can't process time linearly and my focus is on another layer of the conversation because I simply lose the ability to stay focused on the right context of this part of the conversation because my excitement coupled with ADHD even if I do notice that I'm on the wrong layer my brain simply will not move to the right one. It's annoying. For you, for me. I know. And I hate knowing. It's the worst.

I'm excited to connect with what you just said. For example, you might say "Hey, I just found out that they figured out how black holes work!". And maybe I saw the same article. What I want to say in that moment is 'That's so cool! I saw that and I want to dig into that more. What got you excited about it? Let's explore this more." What comes out is 'I know'. I assure you, I do know. That it happens. I just can't always catch it before it does. My close friends know this, I hope. But I want to put it out there none the less.

Where the hell did I put my keys?

I forget stuff all the time. Really dumb stuff and really important stuff. Constantly. I'm sure you can relate. But it's complicated in people with ADHD. I get that it sounds like a joke. A lot of these things sound silly because they can be. Everyone forgets stuff, all day, every day. Not like this.

I can't remember things on purpose when I want to. If I want to remember something, I need someone or something to prompt me. That causes a reflex action and if I know it recall is almost instant. But if I want to think of a list of times I cried? No fucking clue. Never? 20 minutes ago? I got nothing. Lucky me, I also have Aphantasia, which means I can't visualize (or imagine any sort of sensory input). Like, at all. It's called Aphantasia (see below) and it makes my memory problems way worse.

I can't see anything in my mind so it makes recall something that other people can use. But not me. They get things like a mind palace (settle down Sherlock, don't show off). I just don't have that, I can't do that. It seems like magic. My main problem with this one is that if I have a flash of brilliance or have a thought I don't want to lose then I can't afford any friction. Nothing can get in my way before I write this down or put it into a note on my phone. But now I have to find a piece of paper or my notebook but it's not where I left it so I try to find my phone. Why am I in the kitchen? What was I talking about?

The Cats. Clunky Apps. Nuclear Meltdown. That Escalated Quickly.

Oh, yeah, friction. This one is the bane of my existence. Like many people with ADHD, Executive Dysfunction can make any friction into a giant hole for ADHD to assert itself and drop a bag of cats in our lap and toss catnip in the air like some sort of fairy from hell. Why couldn't it be Tinker Bell? There's no way she would do me dirty like this. She would let me fly! Sorry, now I'm thinking about flying.

I think I have an example you'll be able to relate to right away - I'll be writing an essay like this one or writing some code and I'll need to make another note because something cool popped into my head or I remember that I need to go sign some tax papers. I go to find the folder for the right context for those notes and I start thinking, where would I put that? Which folder? I'm looking at the file menu and I notice that I have a message on teams. Suddenly I'm back in the kitchen trying to figure out what I was talking about. And if I'm having an off day this might set off a loop of self criticism for getting off track or forgetting the coolest idea you've ever had for a story and now it's just... gone.

This one hits hard. Especially when it's paired with my memory issues. My data is sacred to me. Thankfully, I've found something that's helping me with this. Something I'm building for myself. But, It's even worse than it sounds. This friction? I feel it.

You'll hear that a lot from people with some types of ADHD. It's like static. But I can't figure out where it's coming from. I know it's inside me, and it feels wrong. It's not pain, it's not discomfort, not exactly. But then my meta awareness kicks in and I notice it and I try to understand what's happening. But I can't, because when I'm in that mode, Executive Function is in the toilet playing with logs and now and I start to get worked up and the recursion starts kicking in and now I'm in a full on meltdown.

What Do You Mean ‘Picture the Ocean’? Like, Metaphorically?

Aphantasia is a spectrum disorder and interesting all on it's own. I'm not broken, I'm not missing out. I have a rich imagination and inner world. I love it. If I had to put money on it, I would bet on my creativity every single fucking time. But ask me to imagine an apple, sorry, that system wasn't installed. Instead I think in systems, data, feelings, vibes, and my personal favorite: narrative. It's why I'm drawn to being a writer, it's how I think. In stories. I write in waves of emotion and rhythm. This one, on it's own, it's fine. It makes some tasks harder, others easier. I dream just fine, more vivid than most people.

Aphantasia even has some really nice benefits. The trauma I've experienced in my life like losing everything I own to fire, twice. Like my mom dying on my birthday. Like seeing my wife suffering through cancer or my own heart attack? I don't have to see that shit, ever. The feelings and echos are there. It still affects me. But it doesn't haunt me the way it might haunt someone with a rich visual simulation in their mind. I think about how I feel, I sense by vibe. I'm very grateful I don't have to see the horrors of my life on repeat. If you told me today that you could turn my visual system on but I wouldn't be able to turn it off I would say no immediately. I wouldn't even need to consider it. No fucking way.

The Shame Amplifier, Now with Instant Replay!

(Note: Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is not recognized as an official syndrome in the big ole medical books. But neither was PTSD. If you've felt it, you know it's real. For now, think of this as a placeholder name so we can talk about it more easily. It's just a matter of time before the science catches up. But don't let anyone diminish your experiences. Whatever this is, it's real.)

It's time to tackle one of the big ones. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria or RSD. Of all my little ADHD advantages and disadvantages, I hate this one the most. You gotta love it when this asshole shows up to the party. Imagine the scenario from before. I cut off a friend in a conversation and he responds "Chrispian, you're interrupting!" loudly and shuts me down. Totally fair. I'm a grown ass man and I should be able to handle this. Normally, easy. There's that slight sting where I wish I had caught myself, but it's no big deal. My ego is not that fragile.

But this is not that. In the moment, I know I'm in the wrong and he just wanted to be heard. He's trying to show interest and connect. They call that a "bid". But knowing this? It's not just useless, it makes it so much worse. Because I don't have any control over what happens next. If the circumstances are just right, his tone, my energy level, my emotional state— if all these things align just right we trigger our little party animal who showed up uninvited. And he loves to fuck shit up and then just bounce leaving you to clean up the mess.

And like everything about ADHD this is not an all the time problem. It's not 24 x 7 we need tip toe around Chrispian kind of thing. And if you are in my life, please don't do that. I'm not fragile. I'm also not ashamed of this. It used to bother me, and yeah, it's awkward. But it's a tick, nothing more. It's only embarrassing because I have to explain it over and over and the world has told me I'm broken. More importantly, they've convinced you of that. And my self + meta awareness will amplify this.

Now, Roll saving throw vs. Willpower. But you have a -20 will power modifier for a stat that was already 5. If you had the right magic gear. So more often than not, you'll lose this dice roll and you'll look like an idiot and later, later you get to replay that clip over and over. But nobody is getting ad revenue for those views. It's useless. But I can't put the remote down.

My Emotional Regulation System Is Misfiring and I Can’t Bypass the Compressor

Cue the waterworks, right? Wrong. I'm in touch with my emotions. I have deep wells of sympathy and empathy. I care deeply, I love deeply and I have the full range of human emotion. But when other features kick off and stress levels start rising, that's when this fun little party animal kicks down the door the party and holds everyone hostage until it gets what it wants. I'm pretty sure it just wants to ruin my plans. When you mix recreational ADHD symptoms like RSD, friction, executive dysfunction, a dash of heat and sound or other triggers that leads you to:

The System Is Experiencing High Load and Has Become Unstable

Not everything about ADHD is bad. With the way I think plus the hyperfocus in ADHD, it's given me a career in computers that I might not have otherwise been able to do. I love this aspect of it. But there's no free lunches. The cost of ADHD, besides embarrassment, shame, productivity, creativity, agency and stability, to name a few, is stress. Not sometimes. Not just when a flare up happens. This is the default mode for most ADHD people.

Some of you, maybe many of you are sitting there and are lucky enough to have the "I'm disorganized" kind of ADHD but this isn't that kind. I wish. ADHD, like most things, is a spectrum disorder. And just because you have one kind doesn't mean my experience is the same. Stress on its own as it was intended to work is useful. But with prolonged exposure it can cause all sorts of conditions and even lead to death. It can cause heart attacks, which was not fun, let me tell you.

Just One More Thing

Like Keyser Söze, ADHD is always one step ahead. You'll have it your whole life and the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. ADHD will gaslight you. It will set every task you do on hard mode. It will make you forget everything you learn about it and you'll have to start all over again. But this loop is the good kind, the repetition is how we learn. Don't give up. That's how it wins. Don't let the devil get away with it. You're the driver, make him sit in the back.

It's Not All Bad, Right?

These things are all normal, everyone experiences them to some degree. But when you have ADHD they interact. The bounce off the walls inside your head and crash into each other and that creates shockwaves that and you get constructive interference. Which sounds awesome as hell! But it's the exact opposite. They amplify each other. Then depending on what flavor of ADHD soup you have determines how that effects you. I don't know about you, but my bowl can't handle any more soup. Even if it is good soup.

I love the things ADHD grant me and honestly, you can pry it from my cold dead hands. It's part of who I am. It's my super power, along with the way I think. I'm ideally suited for this digital world with it's never-ending onslaught of data. I thrive in this environment. I love it! It's where my speed, systems thinking, intuition, idea synthesis, and hyperfocus all come together to make me damn good at what I do.

I'm working on another essay that focuses on all the good things about ADHD and if it turns out half this good, I'll share that too. There's a lot I love about ADHD but the stigma, shame, all or nothing thinking, spiraling bullshit is just a lot for us sometimes. I needed to get this out of my system. I feel lighter already.

If you've been nodding your head, well, I see you. This is real. You're not lying, you're not lazy, you're not broken. The world failed you and you don't have to accept their narrative.

If you want to, you can just be different. That's the path I've decided to take. My name is Chrispian, and I’m different. Not broken. Not special. I'm just a person trying to untangle this jumble of wires of a brain. One strand at a time.

Thank you for taking the time to read about my experience. ADHD is still deeply misunderstood. By the people who it effects, the people in their lives, and random people on the internet (hello!).

So if you see yourself in this and you've had similar experiences or you resonate with my experience please say hi in the comments! You don't have to share anything, I see you. You can just say hi to let out a sigh of relief and let this go for a minute. I know I have.

If you are still struggling, searching or want to learn more for someone you care about, here are some links that might interest. We understand ADHD today better than we ever have. These links are more than just for information - I'm including them so people with ADHD can see the massive amounts of research that's gone into this, the major shifts in how we talk about and deal with ADHD and to demonstrate proof that it's very, very real. Not to convince others, we need this to believe it ourselves.