I’m not sure I have a point with this blog post but just really wanting to acknowledge some things to remind myself that everything I’m experiencing is normal.
Erin and I have had a rough time for most of or marriage. We’ve thankfully been rock solid together, though it’s caused some stress here and there. Between external obligations, medical crisis, financial crisis and so much more. But thankfully most of it came one at a time.
But the last few years have been brutal. Everything seems to be happening concurrently instead of sequentially and we just keep getting hit in the face every time we try to get back up. But again, we are resilient and always get back up and keep pushing forward.
As a man I’ve always been taught to just deal with it. For the most part, I have. I always find a way to make whatever it is work. It’s part of my DNA to figure things out. I’m good at it, generally.
Ever since my heart attack I’ve noticed that’s not quite the case anymore. While I still get back up and I keep trying and finding a way to make it work I don’t think I was aware of just how sick I had gotten and how long it would take to heal. It’s been over a year and my energy levels have been super low. Turns out I had some other issues that I didn’t know about, like 4 teeth that need to have root canals. Nothing major but you can only fight pain for so long before it just wipes you out.
Pain also clouds your mind and judgement. It causes mental fatigue and that effects your will power and decision making. I’ve been in pain in one form or another for so long that it’s hard to even remember a time when I wasn’t. And I’ve been really hard on myself or not bouncing right back and getting this all fixed and sorted sooner. That’s one thing I’m struggling with but trying very hard to learn is to forgive myself and learn to let go of the need to fix everything and fix it right now. It’s ok that it’ll take time. It’s ok that I feel worn out and run down. It’s ok that I’m not quit doing as much as I would like to be.
I really didn’t make the connection with how out of sorts I felt and all the major shit going on in my life. I though, damn, I’m getting lazy! I just don’t want to work. I don’t want to get up early and hit the treadmill. I just want to rest. It’s taken me this whole time to really have it hit home that I’ve been through a lot and it’s ok that I need more time to get back on my feet.
The good news is, I can see things turning the corner. I feel my energy levels coming back up. I’m eager to learn and do new things again. I know I’ll have set backs and I’m not quite healed yet. But I’m very excited about the future and I haven’t felt that way in a long time.
I know we’ve all been through a lot, especially the last few years. This is a reminder for me that it’s ok, it’s all normal. Healing from trauma and major events are hard enough. Dealing with them over and over and during such uncertain times – it’s no wonder we are all struggling in our own ways. I’m reminding myself and I hope this reminds you too that it’s ok to take whatever time you need to care for yourself. I have a feeling I’ll always struggle with this lesson but I’m making progress and even if I never master it I’ll get better and better at it and that’s all I can really hope for.